Parental Alienation

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Parent-Child Contact Problems

For many parents, divorce or separation is a difficult life change. During this process, two households are formed and new decisions must be made. One key point to remember is the importance of keeping children out of adult matters. While parents may no longer be partners or spouses, they continue to be Mom and Dad.

Dr. Logan counsels children, adolescents, and families as they navigate these difficult transitions. Services are based on each family’s circumstances and may include individual counseling for a parent, individual counseling for the child, family therapy, or a combination of parent-child sessions. Most work involving children who resist or refuse contact with a parent will require a specific court order or Appointment Order before services can begin.

Parent-child contact problems can arise for many reasons. Parental alienation is not a diagnosis and is never presumed at the start of services. Rather, it may be considered, when appropriate, as one possible form of a broader parent-child contact problem. Children may resist or refuse contact with a parent due to developmental factors, loyalty conflicts, parental conflict, stress related to transitions between homes, strained parenting dynamics, anxiety, safety concerns, or other family circumstances.

Dr. Logan approaches these concerns through a family-systems lens. This means she does not assume that one parent, one child, or one event explains the entire problem. At the same time, she recognizes that in some cases, a parent’s behavior may be a significant factor contributing to a child’s rejection of the other parent.

Reunification work is a specialized form of family therapy. While improving the relationship between a child and one parent may be one goal, the process often involves the broader family system and may require participation from both parents, the child, and other significant family members. The overall goal is to improve family functioning and support healthier relationships among all relevant family members.

Services May Include

Depending on the family’s needs and the terms of any applicable court order, services may include:
  • Individual counseling for a parent
  • Individual counseling for a child or adolescent
  • Parent-child sessions
  • Family therapy
  • Parent consultation and education

Common Goals

Common goals may include:
  • Helping children develop more realistic views of one or both parents
  • Removing children from parental conflict
  • Improving communication and emotional regulation
  • Supporting healthier parent-child interactions
  • Strengthening appropriate emotional boundaries
  • Helping parents avoid overreacting or underreacting
  • Improving the family’s ability to manage transitions between homes

Sometimes children side with one parent, and it may appear they are choosing one parent over the other. In other instances, children say they do not want to see Mom or Dad and may refuse contact. Dr. Logan works with parents and children to understand that, during various developmental stages, children may temporarily prefer one parent over the other. However, when rejection becomes intense, persistent, or irrational, additional clinical attention may be needed.

There are many reasons a parent-child relationship may become strained or damaged. Each child is unique and may express hurt, fear, anger, confusion, or frustration differently. It is always best to keep children out of the middle of adult disputes. However, some parents describe feeling helpless when they believe they are making sincere efforts to support the other parent-child relationship but continue to experience resistance, rejection, or conflict.

Dr. Logan recognizes that some couples divorce or separate after a long history of difficulty cooperating. While it may be unrealistic to expect high-conflict parents to suddenly co-parent easily, it is realistic to help parents improve parenting skills, understand what they can and cannot control, reduce harmful patterns, and recognize when a child may be irrationally rejecting a parent.

About: What is Parent Alienation?

Alienation is when one or both parents are manipulating the children against the other parent, or other family members such as a stepparent, aunt, uncle, grandparents, or extended family members. Usually, but not always, parental alienation occurs when parents are engaged in a contentious divorce. Alienation can be intentional or unintentional and can be mild, moderate, or severe. The mild phase, a child may make inappropriate comments that they have overheard. Also, when alienation is mild, it is usually temporary in which a normal parent child relationship will often continue. In mild cases of parental alienation, parents often benefit from parenting education classes and subsequently favored parents will stop engaging in alienating behaviors once they realize that negative comments about the other parent are harmful. In moderate cases, parents may be stuck in their anger and the child may feel forced to "choose" a parent.

Although moderate cases are akin to a tug-of-war, parents can still benefit from training and may cease alienating behaviors once pointed out. Severe cases are more resistant to change due to the child’s visitation refusal or extreme defiance towards a parent. Some favored parents suffer from personality disorders and some fail to comply with court orders. They may spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially. They are determined to damage the relationship with the other parent and want to "win" at all costs. Unfortunately, the children are deprived of the loving relationship with the other parent.

A more formal definition of Parent Alienation is when a child "sides" himself or herself strongly with one parent (the preferred or favored parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated or rejected parent). As a caveat, it is vital that parents recognize their child’s unique needs and stage of development. For example, a teenager who desires to spend more time with his/her friends, and does want to spend parenting time with one of their parents, does not mean that the other parent is engaging in alienating behaviors.

It is essential that parents do not make negative comments to their children about their co-parent. Children should not be privy or burdened with adult matters, such as mortgage, child support, nor should they hear negative sentiments about the other parent, such as he/she cant hold a job, are lazy, or that they "cant stand" their new relationship. A parent should not tell a child that they cannot afford something because the other parent does not provide enough money.

Red Flags: Alienating Behaviors & Attitudes

Below is a list of key alienating behaviors and attributes that serve as red flags when identifying Parent Alienation. There are however other alienating behaviors and attitudes and this list is not intended to be exhaustive, but rather informative.

  • When one or both parents magnifies flaws.

  • When one or both parents refuses to have pictures of their co-parent, or extended family in the child's bedroom.

  • When one or both parents changes their language, referring to their co-parent by his/her first name.

  • When one or both parents utilizes guilt and manipulation, such as, "I feel so sad and lonely when you are with your mom/dad."

  • When one or both parents interferes during parenting time by making excessive phone calls to "check" on the child.

  • When one or both parents tell the child that the other parent is an alcoholic (due to the parent having one drink during the Holidays).

  • When one or both parents allows the child to speak negatively about the their co-parent.

Alienated Children: Behavior, Emotions, & Impairments

Alienated children are impacted in three domains: 

  • Behaviorally
  • Emotionally
  • Cognitively

 Emotional Impairments

  • Alienated children will struggle to express positive feelings towards the rejected parent.

  • Alienated children often appear to lack any guilt or shame when treating the rejected parent with disdain.

  • Alienated children may have irrational fear reactions.

Behavior of Severely Alienated Children

  • Have polarized views of their parents.
  • May refuse to spend parenting time with the rejected parent and the parents extended family.

  • They re-write historical events. For instance, an enjoyed trip to Disneyland five years ago is now described as a miserable experience.

  • Can be destructive. Some alienated children when they are with the rejected parent may break family heirlooms, steal property, or trash items in the home. Typically the child’s destructive behavior is only witnessed by the rejected parent, consequently the child’s undesirable behavior goes unnoticed by others.

  • To a therapist, the rejected parent does not present as well as the favored parent, due to the frustration of not feeling understood. The clinician that is unskilled in working with these cases may perceive that the favored parent should take anger management classes or require additional sessions in order to teach them emotional control. While learning coping techniques is worthwhile, it is unhelpful to place blame on the rejected parent when it has been established that the favored parent's antics played a large role in the child's irrational rejection.

  • Alienated children may sound like "miniature" adults. Alienated children will use adult like language. For example an alienated child might state to the rejected parent, “I have the right to establish domicile.” or that the favored parent is "getting full custody."

  • Alienated children may receive student of the year at school, but when spending time with the rejected parent their stellar behavior is soon absent.

  • Alienated children are social chameleons; they may behave well as school, church, and other settings, but will revert to their worst behavior when with the rejected parent.

Cognitive Impairments

  • Some children will have false memories. Dr. Richard Warshak provided an example when one child suddenly remembered; while when he was younger, his mother touched his genitals as she was tucking him into bed. These cases add additional stress due to sorting out bona fide abuse from false allegations.

  • Alienated children lack critical thinking skills. They exaggerate flaws and use trivial human frailties (such as a rejected parent’s minor shortcomings) to justify their rejection of the parent. For instance, if the father was not much of a handy man, the child may tout he is absolutely good at nothing. Or, as another example, if the mother burned dinner on two occasions, the child will not recall any favorite dinners, but on the contrary will recite to all who will listen that the mother cannot cook.

  • Alienated children often feel sorry for the favored parent. Favored parents will emotionally dump their financial worries or emotional woes upon the child. In turn, alienated children become extra sensitive to the needs of the favored parent. Upon first glance, outsiders would describe this parent child relationship as healthy because their behavior appears to one of a “close bond.” Alienated children struggle to develop a sense of independence and healthy self-esteem.

    Resource: Parental Alienation: Overview, Management, Intervention, and Practice Tips. 2015. Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Volume 27. ~ Richard Warshak, PhD
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