Parental Alienation

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Parental Alienation Services

For many parents, going through a divorce and/or separation, the process can be a difficult life change. During this process two households are formed and new decisions need to be made. One key note to remember is to continue to ensure that children are kept out of adult matters. While parents are no longer partners and/or husband and wife, they continue to be mom and dad.

Ms. Logan counsels children and adolescents to aid with this difficult life change. She approaches working with families, depending on their needs, by meeting with the child(ren), the parents, or a combination of the parent(s) and child(ren). Most work regarding children who resist a parent will require a specific Appointment Order to work with the family.

Some Common Goals to Help Families and Children Adjust: 

  • Helping children correct unrealistic expectations about one or both parents.
  • Removing the child(ren) from parental conflict.
  • Improving the child(ren)’s social skills.
  • Assisting the family in restoring balance by working with parents, as not to overreact or underact.
  • Understanding emotional boundaries.
Sometimes children side with a parent and it may appear as though they are choosing one parent over the other. In other instances, children claim they do not want to see Mom or Dad and ultimately refuse to spend time with a parent. Ms. Logan works with parents, and children on recognizing that: Children during various developmental stages may, temporarily, want to spend more time with one parent over the other. There are countless reasons that a parent-child relationship become strained and/or damaged. Each child is unique and accordingly will have different ways expressing hurt and frustration.

It is always best to keep children out of the middle of adult disputes. However, there are times in which one or both parents describe that they are not sabotaging the parent-child relationship. These parents report a great degree of frustration and describe that they do attempt to engage the other parent in a child-focused, co-parenting relationship, yet with no avail.

Ms. Logan considers the reality that some couples divorce and/or separate because they have an extensive history of not being able to cooperate. It may be unrealistic and overly optimistic to expect parents, who no longer are a couple, to cooperate. It is not however, unrealistic to work with parents to improve parenting skills, recognize what they can and cannot control, and to aid in recognizing when a child is irrationally rejecting a parent.

About: What is Parent Alienation?

Alienation is when one or both parents are manipulating the children against the other parent, or other family members such as a stepparent, aunt, uncle, grandparents, or extended family members. Usually, but not always, parental alienation occurs when parents are engaged in a contentious divorce. Alienation can be intentional or unintentional and can be mild, moderate, or severe. The mild phase, a child may make inappropriate comments that they have overheard. Also, when alienation is mild, it is usually temporary in which a normal parent child relationship will often continue. In mild cases of parental alienation, parents often benefit from parenting education classes and subsequently favored parents will stop engaging in alienating behaviors once they realize that negative comments about the other parent are harmful. In moderate cases, parents may be stuck in their anger and the child may feel forced to "choose" a parent.

Although moderate cases are akin to a tug-of-war, parents can still benefit from training and may cease alienating behaviors once pointed out. Severe cases are more resistant to change due to the child’s visitation refusal or extreme defiance towards a parent. Some favored parents suffer from personality disorders and some fail to comply with court orders. They may spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially. They are determined to damage the relationship with the other parent and want to "win" at all costs. Unfortunately, the children are deprived of the loving relationship with the other parent.

A more formal definition of Parent Alienation is when a child "sides" himself or herself strongly with one parent (the preferred or favored parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated or rejected parent). As a caveat, it is vital that parents recognize their child’s unique needs and stage of development. For example, a teenager who desires to spend more time with his/her friends, and does want to spend parenting time with one of their parents, does not mean that the other parent is engaging in alienating behaviors.

It is essential that parents do not make negative comments to their children about their co-parent. Children should not be privy or burdened with adult matters, such as mortgage, child support, nor should they hear negative sentiments about the other parent, such as he/she cant hold a job, are lazy, or that they "cant stand" their new relationship. A parent should not tell a child that they cannot afford something because the other parent does not provide enough money.

Red Flags: Alienating Behaviors & Attitudes

Below is a list of key alienating behaviors and attributes that serve as red flags when identifying Parent Alienation. There are however other alienating behaviors and attitudes and this list is not intended to be exhaustive, but rather informative.

  • When one or both parents magnifies flaws.

  • When one or both parents refuses to have pictures of their co-parent, or extended family in the child's bedroom.

  • When one or both parents changes their language, referring to their co-parent by his/her first name.

  • When one or both parents utilizes guilt and manipulation, such as, "I feel so sad and lonely when you are with your mom/dad."

  • When one or both parents interferes during parenting time by making excessive phone calls to "check" on the child.

  • When one or both parents tell the child that the other parent is an alcoholic (due to the parent having one drink during the Holidays).

  • When one or both parents allows the child to speak negatively about the their co-parent.

Alienated Children: Behavior, Emotions, & Impairments

Alienated children are impacted in three domains: 

  • Behaviorally
  • Emotionally
  • Cognitively

 Emotional Impairments

  • Alienated children will struggle to express positive feelings towards the rejected parent.

  • Alienated children often appear to lack any guilt or shame when treating the rejected parent with disdain.

  • Alienated children may have irrational fear reactions.

Behavior of Severely Alienated Children

  • Have polarized views of their parents.
  • May refuse to spend parenting time with the rejected parent and the parents extended family.

  • They re-write historical events. For instance, an enjoyed trip to Disneyland five years ago is now described as a miserable experience.

  • Can be destructive. Some alienated children when they are with the rejected parent may break family heirlooms, steal property, or trash items in the home. Typically the child’s destructive behavior is only witnessed by the rejected parent, consequently the child’s undesirable behavior goes unnoticed by others.

  • To a therapist, the rejected parent does not present as well as the favored parent, due to the frustration of not feeling understood. The clinician that is unskilled in working with these cases may perceive that the favored parent should take anger management classes or require additional sessions in order to teach them emotional control. While learning coping techniques is worthwhile, it is unhelpful to place blame on the rejected parent when it has been established that the favored parent's antics played a large role in the child's irrational rejection.

  • Alienated children may sound like "miniature" adults. Alienated children will use adult like language. For example an alienated child might state to the rejected parent, “I have the right to establish domicile.” or that the favored parent is "getting full custody."

  • Alienated children may receive student of the year at school, but when spending time with the rejected parent their stellar behavior is soon absent.

  • Alienated children are social chameleons; they may behave well as school, church, and other settings, but will revert to their worst behavior when with the rejected parent.

Cognitive Impairments

  • Some children will have false memories. Dr. Richard Warshak provided an example when one child suddenly remembered; while when he was younger, his mother touched his genitals as she was tucking him into bed. These cases add additional stress due to sorting out bona fide abuse from false allegations.

  • Alienated children lack critical thinking skills. They exaggerate flaws and use trivial human frailties (such as a rejected parent’s minor shortcomings) to justify their rejection of the parent. For instance, if the father was not much of a handy man, the child may tout he is absolutely good at nothing. Or, as another example, if the mother burned dinner on two occasions, the child will not recall any favorite dinners, but on the contrary will recite to all who will listen that the mother cannot cook.

  • Alienated children often feel sorry for the favored parent. Favored parents will emotionally dump their financial worries or emotional woes upon the child. In turn, alienated children become extra sensitive to the needs of the favored parent. Upon first glance, outsiders would describe this parent child relationship as healthy because their behavior appears to one of a “close bond.” Alienated children struggle to develop a sense of independence and healthy self-esteem.

    Resource: Parental Alienation: Overview, Management, Intervention, and Practice Tips. 2015. Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Volume 27. ~ Richard Warshak, PhD
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Reconciliation: CARE Program

Ms. Logan developed the CARE Program to repair strained/damaged parent-child contact problems. The CARE Program is a specially designed program to work with the entire family in order to help repair broken and/or damaged relationship(s).

Who Can Benefiti from the CARE Program

The CARE Program is considered Forensic in nature, as it is usually court-ordered.  The CARE Program was designed by Ms. Logan, and is based off of years of evidenced-based principles, components of psychoeducation, and almost a decade Ms. Logan’s experience in working with resist-refuse cases.  The CARE Program may assist parents and children in restoring a relationship, when/if a parent has engaged in poor past behavior.  In addition, the CARE Program, may also be appropriate for cases of parental alienation (irrational rejection & unwarranted rejection).  The CARE Program is best suited for mild or moderate cases of parental alienation; however, it is not suited for families where a parent relentlessly creates obstruction by refusing to enforce that the child attend therapy and/or empowers the child to continue to reject a once loved parent. The CARE Program is best suited for families with the following characteristics: 

  • The preferred parent will modify alienating behaviors.

  • The parents agree to adhere to the Court Order and guidelines of the CARE Program.

  • The preferred parent promotes that the other parent is safe, rather than presents that parent as dangerous and/or ill-willed.

  • The rejected parent is willing to modify behavioral responses, and is open to learning.

  • Both parents are willing to place a moratorium regarding past misgivings.

  • The child does not require (or has successfully completed) intensive inpatient treatment for a mental illness.

Purpose of the CARE Program

The purpose of the CARE Program is to help parents and children in key areas, such as to: 

  • Process Fractured Relationships.
  • Establish a Better Vision for the Future.
  • Improve Communications.
  • Identify and Address Potential Triggers.
  • Re-establish and Build Trust.
  • Share and Process Memories/Events.



 

Troubled Parent-Child Relationships & Parental Alienation: A Brief Timeline of Progress

2016

2016 - Bending’ Evidence for a Cause: Scholar-Advocacy Bias in Family Law

In the Family Court Review, an article titled, “‘Bending’ Evidence for a Cause: Scholar-Advocacy Bias in Family Law” cautions that, Combining the terms advocacy and research produces an oxymoron – advocacy research. Research involves seeking knowledge about, or solutions to, problems that can be objectively demonstrated to others; advocacy implies one already knows the solution and the task is convincing others to mobilize resources accordingly.

2016

2013

2013 - Dr. Stanley Clawar & Dr. Brynne Rivlin

Dr. Stanley Clawar and Dr. Brynne Rivlin described that programming and brainwashing parents virtually always blame others for problems, issues, and circumstances that arise.

2013

2013 - Mitchell Rosen, M.A.

Mitchell Rosen, M.A. described, in referencing others work, the need to differentiate between a truly alienated child, due to a parent's undue influence, from a non-alienated child who might resist or refuse contact with a parent for justifiable reasons. Many children are falsely labeled as alienated for rejecting a parent based on the child's actual experiences with that parent.

2013

2010

2010 - Dr. Richard Warshak & Dr. Mark Otis

Dr. Richard Warshak and Dr. Mark Otis described working in an emerging area of practice requires a delicate balance of courage and caution – courage to pursue new paths, caution to ensure the well-being of those we serve. This balance is expressed through the virtue of “humbition:” a fusion of humility and ambition (Warshak, 2002, 2007). Applied to the field of healing disrupted parent-child relationships, humbition allows social scientists and practitioners to balance an ambitious application, extrapolation, and expansion of available knowledge, experience, materials, and procedures with an acceptance of realistic limits to our ability to help parents and children manage the dynamics of alienation.

2010

2010 - Dr. Steven Friedlander & Dr. Marjorie Gans Walters

Dr. Steven Friedlander and Dr. Marjorie Gans Walters described, “A child's proclivity or affinity for a particular parent is a normal developmental phenomenon and can be related to temperament, gender, shared interests, identification with a parent's physical and psychological attributes, the parenting style of a particular parent, and also attachment security with one parent. This is not a divorce-specific phenomenon as such preferences occur in intact families as well.

2010

2013

2013 - Dr. Stanley Clawar & Dr. Brynne Rivlin

Dr. Stanley Clawar and Dr. Brynne Rivlin discussed that loyalty conflicts frequently arise out of parental competition, rather than from what may be in the child’s best interest. Some may appeal to their child’s mercurial, materialistic desires, outdoing each other in providing expensive homes, clothes, trips, cars, or toys.

2007

2007 - Dr. Amy J. L. Baker

Dr. Stanley Clawar and Dr. Brynne Rivlin. She described that alienated children have higher rates of depression, relationships difficulties, and substance abuse.

2007

2001

2001 - Dr. Richard Warshak

Dr. Richard Warshak described three components that must be present for parental alienation:

  • A persistent, not occasional, rejection or denigration of a parent that reaches the level of a “relentless campaign”.
  • An unjustified, or irrational rejection by the child, and rejection by the child.
  • Rejection by a child that is least a partial result of the alienating parent’s influence.

2010

2010 - D. Leslie M. Drozd & Dr. Nancy Williams Olesen

D. Leslie M. Drozd and Dr. Nancy Williams Olesen described behaviors by the alienating parent as engaging in sabotaging behaviors and noted this process of sabotaging involves a violent or abusive parent who turns the child against and undermines the victim parent.

2010

2010

2010 - Dr. William Bernet

Dr. William Bernet described that Parental Alienation Syndrome includes the idea that one of the parents actively influenced the child to fear and avoid the other parent. He described that it is not necessary to have an alienating parent for parental alienation to occur. Parental alienation may occur simply in the context of a high-conflict divorce, in which the parents fight and the child aligns with one side to get out of the middle of the battle, even with no indoctrination by the favored parent.

2006

2006 - Dr. Richard Warshak

Dr. Richard Warshak described Parental Alienation as “A disturbance in which children, usually in the context of sharing a parent’s negative attitudes, suffer unreasonable aversion to a person or persons with whom they formerly enjoyed normal relationships or with whom they would normally develop affectionate relationships.”

2006

2000

2000 - Dr. Joan B. Kelly

A researcher, Dr. Joan B. Kelly described “It is the embattled parent, often the one who opposes the divorce in the first place, who initiates and fuels the alignment.“

2003

2003 - Dr. Joan B. Kelly

Dr. Joan B. Kelly pointed out that conflict is not always perpetrated or maintained by both parents. Conundrums exist when the parent caring for the child a majority of time is also the one to unreasonably reject or block the meaningful participation of the other parent. Severe borderline pathology and/or rage associated with the separation often underlie the unreasonable behavior and accompanying conflict.

2003

2001

2001 - Dr. Stanley S. Clawar & Dr. Brynne V. Rivlin

Dr. Stanley S. Clawar and Dr. Brynne V. Rivlin noted the process of parental alienation as “programming” and “brainwashing.” They described programing as a belief system designed to damage the child’s image of the target parent in terms of his or her moral, physical, intellectual, social, emotional, and educational qualifies. Whereas they described brainwashing to mean the application of specific techniques to control and change the child’s thoughts and perceptions.

1997

1997 - Dr. Douglas Darnall

Dr. Douglas Darnall differentiated Parental Alienation from Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). He described Parental Alienation, rather than PAS, as any constellation of behaviors, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the other parent. You can't assume that the targeted parent is without fault.

1997

2001

2001 - Dr. Stanley S. Clawar & Dr. Brynne V. Rivlin

Dr. Stanley S. Clawar and Dr. Brynne V. Rivlin noted the process of parental alienation as “programming” and “brainwashing.” They described programing as a belief system designed to damage the child’s image of the target parent in terms of his or her moral, physical, intellectual, social, emotional, and educational qualifies. Whereas they described brainwashing to mean the application of specific techniques to control and change the child’s thoughts and perceptions.

2009

2009 - Dr. Stephen Dr. Carter, Dr. Bonnie Haave, & Dr. Shirley Vandersteen

Dr. Stephen Dr. Carter, Dr. Bonnie Haave, & Dr. Shirley Vandersteen define alienation as:
  • Either the deliberate or accidental behavior of a parent or another family member, such as a grandparent or sibling.
  • Alignment as a child’s response to high conflict that does not involve actual rejection.
  • Attachment that is age or gender appropriate affinity, separation anxiety and
  • Appropriate as justified rejection or realistic estrangement.

2009

2001

2001 - Dr. Joan B. Kelly & Dr. Janet R. Johnston

Dr. Joan B. Kelly and Dr. Janet R. Johnston also introduce the concept of estrangement in their article titled, “The Alienated Child. A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome”. They described Children who are realistically estranged from one of their parents, as a consequence of that parent’s history of family violence, abuse, or neglect need to be clearly distinguished from alienated children. (Some helping professionals use the term “estrangement”, as defined in the dictionary: Estrange implies the development of indifference or hostility with consequent separation or divorcement), whereas others use the term to differentiate between the children who irrationally reject a parent, alienated children.)

1980

1980 - Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein & Dr. Joan B. Kelly

Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein and Dr. Joan B. Kelly described an “unholy alliance” between a narcissistically enraged parent and a particularly vulnerable older child, who together waged battle in effort to hurt and punish the other parent.

1980

1985

1985 - Dr. Richard Gardner

Dr. Richard Gardner described, “Of the many types of psychological disturbance that can be brought about by such litigation, there is one that I focus on here. Although this syndrome certainly existed in the past, it is occurring with such increasing frequency at this point that it deserves a special name. The term I prefer to use is parental alienation syndrome. I have introduced this term to refer to a disturbance in which children are obsessed with deprecation and criticism of a parent – denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated.

2001

2001 - Dr. Joan B. Kelly and Dr. Janet R.

Dr. Joan B. Kelly and Dr. Janet R. Johnston produced a seminal article titled, “THE ALIENATED CHILD: A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome”. They defined an alienated child as one who expresses freely and persistently unreasonable negative feelings and beliefs (such as anger, hatred, rejection, and/or fear) toward a parent that are significantly disproportionate to the child’s actual experience with that parent. They noted in contrast to Dr. Gardner, who believed one parent was the primary cause of a child rejecting a parent, that there are multiple reasons that children resist visitation. Kelly and Johnston described that only in very specific circumstances does this behavior qualify as alienation. Their message was that alienation is often not the “fault” of only one parent.

2001

1988

1988 - The Psychologically Battered Child

A book was published called, “The Psychologically Battered Child”. While the term Parental Alienation was not explicitly named, concepts such “marital discord” and “family breakdown” were discussed.

1949

1949 - Dr. Wilhelm Reich

Psychoanalyst Dr. Wilhelm Reich wrote in “Character Analysis” about parents who seek revenge on the partner through robbing him or her of the pleasure in the child.

1949

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